By Any Other Name

By Doug Borrie, PhD

I was jogging at the beach last weekend when I passed a family walking single file in the opposite direction. Dad was first, then mom, followed by youngest daughter, oldest son and middle son. The few words I heard them speak sounded German, so I surmised that they were here on vacation, and, it seemed, suffering from a bit of togetherness overload. The girl’s head lolled lazily about, focused on nothing in particular. The older boy had more pressing business. His mouth was snarled, and angry words were spewing forth in a diatribe directed at his brother who trailed behind just close enough to make sure he heard every word. The younger boy’s face barely contained his building outrage as he waited for his tongue lashing to cease so that he could respond in kind. He did this in his native tongue, but then, to add a dramatic flourish, ended in English with “So! You mind Your Business!!!”

Ah… sibling rivalry. The antidote to family harmony. And, as my brief encounter reminded me, a force that is universal and multi-cultural. In German it’s called Rivalitaet zwischen Geschwistern. You may not recognize the words but oh, brother (or sister) you know it when you see it.

Pushing each others buttons is normal sibling behavior, yet nevertheless, does require parental monitoring. Often the best way to handle it is to simply ignore it. Bickering will often run its course quickly with no intervention needed. It’s also important to set clear limits and boundaries about what will be tolerated and what won’t. Physical roughness, destruction of property, or screaming should result in consequences. Don’t play referee. If your intervention is needed, try to calmly let both children know that if the fussing doesn’t stop, both children are responsible and both will go to time-out or lose a privilege. Praise both children when they are getting along, or when they are playing nicely by themselves.

Take comfort in the universality of this rivalry. And, since sibling rivalry seems to be so normal and natural, I believe there may be some good that comes from it. After all, if you can learn to share a bathroom with someone who thinks nothing of using your toothbrush in a pinch, you can later put up with a friend or co-worker who does something you don’t like. If you can survive an unjust punishment because your sibling got their story out first, or annoyed you into over-reacting, you can better survive life when it’s not fair. If you can feel love and closeness and loyalty toward your siblings, even though they’ve hurt or betrayed you, you can find it in your heart to forgive someone you love later in life, when the hurts can be even more hurtful and the betrayals deeper.

And, in the end, everything is often fine. As luck would have it, on my return jog, I passed the German family again. This time they were bunched together and laughing about something. The two boys were side by side, poking and pulling, smiling and talking without the snarl, and the family vacation was harmonious once again.